i started the day by going to the mosque for prayers. went alone. cycled there. the solemn occasion was really heartwarming. immediately after prayers before the khutbah, i wanted to go home. but i got held back cuz my slippers were covered with a mat which still had ppl sitting on it. haha. so i just listened to the khutbah as well lor.. initially, i thought i was gonna cycle home bare-footed. haha.

at home, i ate mum's hari raya cooking. hehe. deliciousooo! there was lontong, serunding, rendang, prawns, daging.. yummy. ate while watching TV. oh, i gotta say the sitcom in Sinar Lebaran this year is simply very amusing and hilarious. especially that Suhaimi Yusof. haha. he's a natural.

went to grandma's house.. i guess the whole experience was bittersweet.. one cuz i met not only my grandmother but i met my relatives. two cuz my dad wasnt there with us and i was pretty much clueless with who's who on my mother's side.

the thing is for the past many years i've been visiting my grandma every hari raya and every time for some unknown reason, my dad would be hesitant to join us. and every time it would be, eat, ask for forgiveness and go home immediately. i can tell without any doubt that my mum doesnt want to meet our relatives. amazingly, my mum wasnt successful this year.. i guess i cant blame my mum for wanting to. it's like there's a sense of embarrassment every single time my uncles and aunts ask, "Mane suaminye?"

until now, i'm pretty embarrassed when i go out during hari raya with only my mum and sis. no offence to my own mum but it's like she's a widow. seriously. even my sis said it.

besides feeling ashamed and such, i feel so empty. there's a like a void. even so, it feels so heavy. like a burden.. every single time, while walking, on the bus, anywhere.. if i see a complete family, i would just wish.. nvm.

so... even though it was a joyous occasion and all, i almost cried at one point of time and when everyone was leaving. the tears just flowed out. my sis cried too.. kinda felt empty again and disappointed with my dad. my uncle mentioned that even though we rarely meet, we're still family.. and yes, blood is thicker than water. i somehow felt some kind of closeness although i barely know them..

erm, right now.. i'm just trying to accept everything that Allah has laid out for me. i can't solely put the blame on my dad. i'll just pray the best for my dad. my family especially. i have to learn to be patient when handling things and not think too seriously abt things. anw, EOY is coming in 2 weeks..

RANDOM PART OF THE POST THAT PULLS ME OUT OF EMO MODE. haha.

Obek Osman's 5-year-old grandson has a PSP. and i don't even have one. haha.

Obek Osman's son, whose son is the cute bugger that has a PSP, has facebook and is gonna add me and my sis . haha.

Soki in boyan means rich.

Obek Osman live's with his 15-year-old son in JB. his wife passed away some time ago.

Obek Jamil has a grandson that, according to everyone else including him, looks like me. actually, i dont think so lah. haha.

according to Obek Osman, my mum was really shy when she was young. when someone would call out her name, she would run away really really fast. haha.

everyone thought i was the older sibling between me and my sis. -_- do i look that old? =( haha.

my cousin thought my sis was already working. she's still in sec 5 lah dey. and only 17. haha.

i think it's very rare to be tall in my family which includes my uncles blablaba cousins sedare-mare lah. according to Obek Jamil i am tall. everyone agreed. haha.

last but not least anyone know what kuih bidaran is? it's an old kuih.. my uncle has been asking his daughter-in-law, my mum and grandma abt it..

wokay.. that's all. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Maaf zahir dan batin. forgive me for all my wrongdoings yea? May Allah bless you. =)

whoa... rugby today was a blast man. though it was pretty violent, i enjoyed the game a hell lot. i think everybody did lah. oh. there was one time when i was the ball and zakir was charging at me. so... tick tick tick

BOOM!!!

I BANGED INTO ZAKIR. it was like i ran straight into a wall lah. so both of us fell down lah. but i think i hurt zakir. not the other way round. haha. sorry dude. luckily enough when i was on the ground on my butt, i managed to grab the ball and get a touchdown, the first for my team. yea! haha.

and... there was one point of time when i was tackling veingad i think, i i slipped and hit my head on the ground. instantly, i was clutching my head cuz the impact was great lah. amazingly though, the pain was short-lived and i slowly got up. then, i saw someone running with the ball. so i just asked for the ball and sprinted for a touchdown. yea! lol.

on monday, 3p1 soccer team played against 1C. trashing man.. 8-0 sia. furthermore we had a lot of shots. hehe.

last but not least, 2nd monthsary! though there were a whole lot of hurdles and challenges, we're still together. thankfully. oh! and you're going for galur! best news ever. haha. love you honey.

kay. gtg. bye peeps.

just felt like posting this.. it's been a long time since i posted a youtube video on my blog anyway. term 4 starts exactly 2mrw. ugh. and i haven't completed any hw yet. haha. random thought: idk why afiqah and shazwani refer to me as a geek. siao. lol.

3weeks to EOY

3days to 2 months

hmm.. basic jungle survival course. 3days 2nights. yup. that's it. i'm totally lagging in hw. sure die. lol. need to chiong on sunday. but i don't think i'll finish sastera. in fact i'm not sure if i would want to do it lah.

erm, for sure gonna miss her. here's the thing. i think i'm obsessed with her. haha. think of her too much liao. make me stressed and depressed only. even thought of printing one of our neoprints and bring it to the camp. lmao. maybe syafiq's right. oh ya. thanks afiqah and syafiq. i'm hoping i can keep her off my mind.

kay ah.. gtg. need to get to yio chu kang by 6 30am. idk whether that's even possible. bye.

i'm such a sucky boyfriend.

most probably the worst you've ever had.

gawd, how i wish i could be the ideal boyfriend for you and won't create problems that.. that erm, idk, are lame? why are you even with me? i mean sometimes i just think i should break up with you cuz you really really really really really do deserve someone WAY better than me. but i just cant seem to do it lah. like i told you before, i would be damn sad if you were to leave me. wokay, maybe that's why i was depressed. i was thinking abt this.

i guess there are three things that make me a really sucky boyfriend. firstly, i find it hard to trust ppl. i guess i've had this for far too long that i can't even trust you wholeheartedly. there's just that tiny fraction of lack of confindence i have in you. believe me, i'm trying extremely hard to get rid of this feeling but i can't help but think you will surely leave me in future. this leads to me being highly pessimistic.

i've always hoped, from the start of our relationship, that it would last. but there's always a part of me that keeps telling me that it wont. no matter how much i tried to shake off this thought, it just keeps haunting me. invariably, making me depressed.

lastly, i'm not that confident in myself. i guess this is self-explanatory.

i'm starting to think all the small quarrels we've ever had are solely my fault. i just hope this feeling of hostility doesnt prolong.

i'm sorry i'm such a bad boyfriend to you.

i'm sorry i'm such a big distraction to you.

i'm sorry i'm so pathetic.

i'm sorry i'm so pessimistic.

i'm sorry i dont trust you wholeheartedly.

i know trust is a big issue in our relationship. but please, believe me at least. i'm trying my hardest to give you the trust that you've always longed for from me. i just need to change. give me time.

syafiqah, you mean the world to me. seriously. i just want you to be happy. always.

I love you. i really do.

erm, i think i'll go play wolfteam or something to forget abt what just happened. cuz right now, i feel utterly dumb and silly.. the fact is, the matter was simply trivial and i didnt want to make a big fuss out of it by telling you. but i guess i already did by dwelling on it too much and making myself depressed and shit. i'm such a fucking drama queen. it's high time someone told me that.

honey i'm really sorry. i wish you could slap me as hard as possible right now.

woots!! I reached the Monster Wolf status twice in Wolf Team. for those who don't know, Wolf Team is an online game where 2 teams battle it out. A player can turn into a human or wolf anytime he or she wishes. When one kills an opponent player, he reaches the Baby wolf status, kills 2, Battle wolf, 3, Elite wolf, 4, Blood Wolf, 5, Monster Wolf. all these are achievable in only one life of a player.. SO YEAH! I REACHED MONSTER WOLF!! I guess it's all thanks to the new weapon i bought and the upgrade i had for the weapon to lessen the recoil..

ok. erm, why am I telling you this? doesn't even matter to you right? nvm. haha. i guess it's an achievement for me. oh ya, i managed to kill players that were of higher rank than me. i also killed opponent players more than dudes that were of higher rank. i'm a sergeant in Wolf Team. woots!!

whoa.. 1am already. wonder if i can wake up for sahur later. nvm continue blogging. haha. omg.

so on saturday, went for YMC. new flash: i've been attending YMC workshops though i'm not an official member since end of last year. haha. yeah. somehow felt like an illegal immigrant. good thing i approached one of the facilitators and told him abt my situation. so yay for me cuz i gave him my particulars already and hopefully i'll become an OFFICIAL MEMBER.

at yayasan mendaki, i met PERKAMPUNGAN BUDAYA DAN BAHASA ppl. akashah and nazihah. it was unexpected lah. akashah was in the same session as i was. when it ended and hazim, daniyal, fadzly and i was abt to exit the building, someone just had to shout, "RIDZWAN!"

haha. obviously, it was nazihah cuz she's that high. oh, her friends think i'm hot. woots!! hahahaha. two words. bad taste. haha. correct right? whateverlah. lol.

so yeah.. we discussed abt CSC. dk what that is though. but we're supposed to contribute to the society. my group, decided to have a performance-cum-fun raiser. the performance? nadim and malay dance.. will be needing the nadim crew and malay dancers from bp and anderson sec. so might have collaboration. but.... it's just a proposal though. not confirmed. hoping like crazy it will happen. =D

hmm.. what else? i met miqdad and cikgu senan in the mosque just now. haha. oh, on saturday night, my ex-ustaz let me join him and his wife when he hailed a taxi to go to the mosque. just now, he chauffeured me together with his wife and daughter to the mosque. thanks cik haji.

oh. army open house.. aiyah, won't really talk abt it lah. just post pictures.

erm, i guess i'll talk abt my beloved syafiqah? haha. ok wait.. maybe i shouldn't. my thoughts abt you tak teratur(arent organized). but i just hope u're doing okay..

wokay.. i should end the post already.. so long sia. haha. 1 44am. nice one. kay, i'll go take a nap now. lol. oh ya peeps, check out this songs..

zero gravity - david archuleta

automatic - tokio hotel

died in you eyes - kristina debarge

kay. dude. sleep already.. haha. good 'night' peeps.